Atop his Water Dragon, Joe McShoots looked down at the barren, grey plain in front of him. Skellian sat next to him, on top of another dragon. Magdalen stood before them, a magical staff clasped in betweeen her hands, and a crown of silver jewels on top of her head.
“So,” she said, exhaling long and hard, her eyes shut. “Here we are … the big battle.”
Kalp ducked out from behind her. “Erm … a moment, Mag. How did we even get here? What’s going on? Where did we get dragons from?”
Also next to her appeared Gerrad. “Mag … you got some explaining to do.”
Joe McShoots looked around, then looked down to the enormous scaled beast he sat on. He nearly died of a heart attack right on the spot. “Skell! What the fuck’s goin’ on?” He let out a girlish wail.
Skellian spat to the side then pulled out his sword. “Lad, I ain’t got a monkey’s testicle as to what’s happenin’ here. All’s I know is … we’re here. And we aren’t alone.”
Opposite them, were two hooded figures sat upon two massive black dragons. Their faces were hidden in shadow. In between them sat a throne, and on that throne sat one magnificent looking bastard. Aligned behind them were four hundred Chaosspawn.
“Ok, I think we may have missed something here, Skell,” said Joe McShoots. “I mean, this is absolute nonsense of the highest caliber. Right?”
Skellian snorted then rolled his eyes before letting out a “mmm.”
Magdalen kept her eyes shut. She chuckled to herself. “Fear not, men. I know what the fuck I’m doing. Everything in between will probably be covered in some prequel or some rubbish like that. This is the important part. I shall now commence my game of chess on the battlefield.”
Gerrad and Kalp both looked at each other, and then ran in the opposite direction for a good few minutes. Joe McShoots started to jump down off his dragon.
“Leave them,” Magdalen said. “They are not needed for what is to come.” She opened her eyes, and began pacing up and down the middle of the battlefield. “You’re probably all wondering … how we got here?”
Even the enemies on the other side were looking round in confusion.
“Well,” she said, “it’s a bit complicated. Just know that this was always meant to be. And no amount of filler could ever make a difference to this final battle, right here and now. I’ve just jumped us to the good bits.”
Skellian looked at Joe McShoots and raised an eyebrow.
Without looking back, Magdalen said, “Confused, Skell? You should be. But don’t worry. You just sit there until I need you. That’s right. Good.”
All of a sudden, Magdalen swished her hand round in a circle, opening a portal just behind the throne opposite. Out from the swirling black mass stepped Edgy Bladesmith, who proceeded to open Adavanta’s throat with a long, golden knife. The blood ran red and thick down its blade as his lifeless body landed among some grey bones.
Ruthal and Arkanius looked around, witnessing their fallen master, and began to scream. At the same time, both of them tried to fly off on their Dark Dragons. “Ruthal!” Arkanius shouted. “How the fuck do we take off?”
Ruthal shook his head, before kicking his foot into the beasts side. With a loud roar, the Dark Dragon took to the air. Arkanius followed suit, and then they were both flying high above the battlefield.
Skellian was trying to light a pipe at the time, until seeing the scene unfold. The pipe dropped from his mouth, and he whispered the word, “shit.”
Before them, the Chaosspawn started to charge. Magdalen raised her staff into the air, opening another large portal in front of her. This time, it wasn’t just one person who arrived, but hundreds. The legion of the Silver Talons galloped through on enormous black horses, brandishing gleaming silver blades. The two forces crashed together in a frenzy of steel. With the armies distracted, Magdalen turned to Skell and Joe. “You two, I can totally understand you’ve not ridden dragons before, but you’re going to have to learn on the job. Do you understand?”
Joe McShoots exploded. “You can’t be serious? I mean … you can’t be FUCKING serious, right?”
Skellian laughed. “Well ol’ Shooty, I guess this is our time. We just do what they did, then we’re in the air, right? First lesson over. Let’s do this.”
Suddenly, the two were airborne, and Joe McShoots was shitting his pants.
Magdalen turned back to the battle ahead. Edgy Bladesmith was signalling something to her by waving her hands in a circular motion. “Oh,” Mag said, “portals, right.” With that, she opened up a teleportation portal, which Edgy stepped through. Its exit was right next to a Chaosspawn, which Edgy stabbed in the head with two blades. Another portal opened before her. And another exit. She was hopping between portals and taking down enemies like an absolute pro.
Magdalen smiled. “Good trick, that.”
Above, four dragons wheeled in the sky. Ruthal and Arkanius were screaming at their dragons to breathe fire, and one of them let loose a large fireball. Joe and Skell’s dragons split off to either side, allowing the fireball to go between them. “Phew,” Skell said, “close call, lad.”
“It sure was Mr Skell,” Joe said back. “Now, how on the barren wasteland of a ducks arse are we meant to win this one, Skell?”
Skell scratched at his beard. “I’ve got me a plan, lad. Keep em after ya for a bit. I’m goin’ down.”
“Skell, don’t leave me!”
“I got to, lad. You’ll be fine, just keep flying.”
Skellian didn’t’ know how to make the damn thing go down, so he punched down on the dragons head, hoping that it’d somehow understand that as “down”. It did. And he went down. “Lad, I did it!”
Skellian flew past further down until he got near to Magdalen, where he slapped the dragons head and shouted “STOP, DAMN YER!” The dragon landed. “Mag. I think I can fly this thing but me battle tactics aren’t too good if you get me. I’ve got an idea. It involves your portal things.”
Joe McShoots kept a good distance from the two enemy dragons and their riders. He tried a few things to make the dragon breathe some fire, until, after pushing both hands in the side of the dragons neck, it started spraying water out of its mouth. Joe scratched his head. “Water?” The realization hit him. “Water Dragons … Oh.”
As he thought on it, he knew what Skellian had in mind. “Oh, Skell. You fabulous drunken bastard you.”
Skellian flew back up and joined with Joc McShoots. “Right lad, ready?”
Joe winked. “I’m ready, Skell. On your lead.”
Skell kicked his dragon into gear, and Joe sped after him. They flew through a patch of heavy cloud, Arkanius and Ruthal in pursuit. Suddenly, Skell and Joe were gone out of sight. Arkanius and Ruthal looked confused, but carried on straight until they exited the cloud, straight into a huge, spinning portal. They tried to stop, but there was no use, the portal swallowed them. On the exit, they flew directly into the mouth of a volcano, their flesh melting away and their eyes popping from their sockets. The dragons were also royally fucked.
Joe McShoots scratched his head as him and Skell descended back to the battlefield. “Hang on a damn minute here. That was your plan? To fuck them into a volcano via some teleportation portal?”
Skellian grinned and fluttered his eyelashes. “Good, weren’t it?”
Joe’s mouth was hanging practically off his face. “But … but what was even the point of the Water Dragons? I thought we’d at least drown them or use the water against them or sumin’.”
“Fucked if I know, lad!” Skellian laughed.
The two flew over the battlefield, drenching the remaining Chaosspawn in water. “That’ll get ’em!” Joe said. In fact, it did nothing. The enemies were just … wet. Very wet.”
“Jesus Pineapples, these Dragons are bloody useless Skell! Useless! They’re all still fighting down there!”
“Sure, lad. But now they’re wet! And cold … probably! Good job.”
The two landed next to Magdalen. Joe paced up and down a bit, before saying, “So let me get this straight. Why don’t you just teleportal all these bloody things into a volcano and be done with it?”
Magdalen thought for a while. “We needed SOME use out of the Silver Talons, Joe. Think of it as … training.”
The Silver Talons and Edgy Bladesmith finished off the last few Chaosspawn, cutting through them with ease, and the day was won … somehow.
Magdalen rubbed her hands together. “Well, that’s that. Now Joe, let’s go take that power for you. Yes?”
“Now hand on a minute,” Joe said, arms folded. “I can’t feel but this was all extremely underwhelming, and … and it was all over too quickly! And … well what was the point in the Water Dragons? I mean we obviously had this shit covered regardless. What with your powers and all.”
Magdalen lay an arm around Joe’s shoulder. “Young Joe … what’s the point in anything when you really think about it? This was simply a writing exercise for some cretinous irk to get over writers block. We don’t even exist! Ever think about that, huh? Did you, Joe? No. Didn’t think so. So there you have it. None of this matters, there’s the Red Dragon over there, in the box labelled ‘Red Dragon’, so go take it and let’s get the fuck out of here. Please.”
Skellian spat. Joe cried.
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